Audio Holiday Greetings!

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Holiday Greetings from the Character Dogville Gang!

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Holiday Show!

Untitled from Character Dogville on Vimeo.

Photos by Juren David.

Happy Holidays, y'all!

Vice Principal Jones Lives!

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Free Holiday Ornaments

Celebrate the holidays with Character Dogville this Friday Night at 10:00pm.

And Receive a FREE HOLIDAY ORNAMENT!!!

From the desk of Rep. Jim Chamberlain

Well hi everybody, Jim Chamberlain here.
I just wanted to take a special minute out of my busy day to express my gratitude towards all of you who have seen fit to restrain yourselves from breaking down our society into a total anarchy.
Please continue to say a warm hello to all of your neighbors when you pass them on the street and I encourage you to even bag your own groceries, just one day a year, to show a bag boy just how much you care that he has a job at all and is not trying to climb through your bedroom window at night, with a machete and a preconceived idea of squatting and throwing a week long party SLASH orgy in your home, while your rotting SLASH corpse goes completely unnoticed until the stench becomes just too unbearable for an orgy to be physically SLASH sexually stimulating anymore.
I also found a matchbook in my pocket with what looks like a phone number I could have written down from one of many a bathroom wall or what possibly could be a set of lucky numbers my personal advisor and soothsayer said to me during one of my families weekly fireside chats under the stars.
So if anyone out there recognizes this number 12745398, feel free to call me at your earliest convenience, for what I'm sure will prove to be an engaging and stimulating tete-a-tete, otherwise I'll be playing LOTTO this Thursday and contributing once again to our state's outstanding educational system.

So say we all.

Holiday Party Games

Hi there, students and parents, Vice Principal Jones here. You know the holidays are among my favorite times of the year: the country hillside covered with fresh snow, crisp sunsets reaching their amber arms over the tree tops, and robots assembling nuclear warheads and the appropriate rocketry in my basement... It makes life seem like a storybook filled with the greatest of pictures.

What could possibly make the season any better you may ask? Holiday Party Games. Here are some of my family favorites:

Emotional Charades: One person tries to display an emotion that the rest have to guess. Whoever successfully guesses the emotion wins. If no one guesses the correct emotion the person must continue to act that emotion for the rest of the holiday. Prizes include catharitic release and therapy. If the spouse of the person displaying the emotion fails to identify it, the couple must sit down and discuss their future as well as whether or not their past together has been a waste of time.

Family Name Concentration: Try to remember everyone's name and two interesting things about them. The winner recieves a prize of a pleasant holiday. The loser must live with shame.

Connect Poor Mouthing: Discuss your finances aloud and to no one in particular. Also suggest what the Holiday would have been like if you hadn't had such a rough year. Bonus points for remarking how expensive every one else's gifts are.

Sorry! Whoever apologizes the most wins. No subject is taboo, the only rule is that it must have occurred within your lifespan. Beginners usually apologize for the basics such as forgetting to send thank you notes, not making it to weddings, and that "it's been so long." Advanced players will apologize for allowing certain couples to be wed, certain children to be born, and certain allergy inducing foods to be abundantly present in the holiday casserole.

Big Whoop: Everyone partners up. Whenever your partner says something pleasant or optimisitic you must reply "Big Whoop."

Sealegs McGoo: NBC's Heroes

Aye, Sealegs McGoo here. I've been watchin' that show NBC's Heroes. It's no Dick Van Dyke! Every episode I sit and wait for someone to fall down without crying and I never see it. I just want easy laughs in me TV shows but NBC's Heroes wants me to be ever so reverent over a crew of cartoon characters. If I want to watch people with a heightened sense of purpose talking slowly I'll watch Brian Lamb interview someone on C-SPAN!

That being said NBC's Heroes does offer its share of thrills. There's a man who can fly, a little girl who can break her bones then heal real fast, and an overweight police detective who wears khakis and is depressed because his wife left him. I saw his wife, he shouldn't be depressed. He should be kickin' his heels!

In Anticipation of The Golden Compass

Hi Everyone,

Professor Bevan Damrosch here, the cool English Professor. All the rumors are true. How are you?

I'm doing great. "Why?" you might wonder as you sit there chewing on your pencil with chapped lips and curious minds. Well in less than a week a truly great novel, The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman (published in the United Kingdom as The Northern Lights), will premiere as a major motion starring middle aged sex bombs Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman. (Timothy Dalton must have been busy this time around, so many roles would have been perfect for his roguish good looks; he would have been amazing as John Faa!)

"Why are you so excited about this movie premiere, Professor Damrosch with the wavy hair and nuanced taste?" you might wonder as you sit there tapping your pencil on your slightly dandruffy and oily heads full of mischief and frustration. Well, not only is The Golden Compass an exciting piece of adventure lit, in the spirit of Paradise Lost, with plenty of magical spells, talking polar bears, and cathartic violence (arrows through heads and so on), it was also written by an English teacher.

People often think that English teachers are failed writers who push sexual innuendo into the literary analysis of great works. Another stereotype which has hurt many a feeling. As Mr. Pullman and I, Professor Damrosch, display, this hackneyed perception is not the case. We're capable of writing great literature. Now Mr. Pullman obviously was one of the lucky ones who had some contacts in the publishing world. The rest of us weary souls simply stand by the river hoping opportunity floats our way and that when it passes by we have a long enough tree branch to snag it, drag it to the shore, and have a thirty minute meeting to show off our talent and charm.

I could have done more in my twenties.

For the sake of discussion (and if there are any literary agents out there), here are some of my works (which would make great movies by the way):

There's a Pen in the Pencil Box - A send up of Bev Kaufman's Up The Down Staircase detailing my early frustrations and comedic observations about teaching. This would have been a publishing success if I had completed it.

Moby Dicks - The story of how I was less than impressed by the gentlemen working security at a Moby concert I attended back in '97.

Something Fat This Way Comes - A highly fictional biography about Ray Bradbury written from the point of view of the Illustrated Man.

Great Book! - A compilation of my literary and film reviews that have been posted on the website Amazon.com.

Can You Hear Me Now? - Moved around numerous times because of his parents' occupations, little Brian Damrose copes with making new friends on a regular basis. One day, frustrated with life, he gives up social contact altogether and dives into the world of literature seeking companionship. He then meets a beautiful model and they become very good friends as well enter a steady, healthy, and very exciting relationship full of sharing. Tragedy strikes in the form of cancer which is symbolic of not pursuing one's dreams. As Brian stares into the harbor, a green light blinks. BLINK. BLINK. Blink. blink. blink. blink.

Lizzy B: As hot as Selma Blair, but fatter!

So, I agree that I am still pretty hot, even with my hair cut short. Some people have even said Selma Blair-hot, and though actually, I would prefer Kirsten Dunst-hot, I guess I am comfortable with the comparison.
Except that I am so fat! Last night at the Thanksgiving leftover party, I ate so many of those sandwich triangles that Wayne and Karie made, I feel like a beached Orca today. Thanks a lot you two. And who was out to get me with those two pumpkin pies? Do you know what I really like with turkey? Stuffing. Oh God I'm such a pig. Just kidding. I'm hot as Selma. But fatter.